Spring Break

Well, it is spring break and it's freezing. They've been predicting snow all week even though we haven't actually seen any yet. The Kansas wind makes it feel even colder. So, the kids have been cooped up in the house all week and you can tell. The house is a disaster!
In other news, I am going back to school to be a Physician's Assistant. It will take a few years, but I am starting with Chemistry this summer. The great news is that I have a scholarship to pay for it! Yea!
I volunteered to take over the newsletter at work along with one person from nightshift. I need to do another family newsletter too. I just haven't been up to much lately. I am starting to feel better again though. Maybe I'll even update this more than once a month. :)

I am hanging on by a very thin thread

My grandmother is dying. I am overwhelmed with grief and guilt. Premature grief? Guilt that I haven't done more, seen her more, something... She is receiving hospice visits now. Her oxygen saturation is dropping and they will probably have her on oxygen by tonight. She's been running a fever for a few days and they say her lungs are congested. Being a respiratory therapist I find the term congested to be pretty vague, but they weren't talking to a respiratory therapist when they were reporting her condition. I'm going to see her as soon as my DH gets home. I hope I can keep from crying in her room. I hope she knows who I am. That's my selfish reason for not going more. It breaks my heart when she doesn't know who I am, who my kids are, where she is... The whole situation breaks my heart. I've been wanting to bring her home with me for years, but everyone (rightly so) says it's too much...too much time, too much work, too much emotion...too much for a woman with two children, a full-time job, and, until recently, school. I know they were right, but I also feel like I could have done it better than the nursing home, that she would have felt better, that I could have felt like I was doing everything possible. That there wouldn't have been room for the guilt.

My kids are great!

My big one was an electrician for the fourth grade opera and did a fabulous job. The whole show was quite impressive. Even better than I expected. It's so cool to see him do so well. He is really growing up lately. The second half of the school year is generally when he does most of his growing up. Physically, he is past my shoulder and the mentally, emotionally, and spiritually he is shooting up just as fast. He loves to listen to Christian radio with me and will lecture anyone who doesn't use an appropriately respectful tone of voice during prayers. He is also an expert buggy car spotter!
The little one goes from wanting Dad when Mom is home to the exact opposite at lightning speed. He'll ask for ketchup on a cheeseburger and as soon as you put ketchup on it he'll say, "I don't want ketchup." He is that contrary most of the time. I'm sure it's a testing boundaries thing or something, but it gets really old. Of course, he sprinkles his contrariness with splashes of "cuter than the gerber baby". He is so sweet when he wants to be. He gets that from his dad. :)

Lost Child?

I lost my son today. Not lost exactly...I just couldn't find him :). I told him this morning to meet me at his younger brother's class after school. He did not do it. The little one and I spent forty-five minutes trying to locate him. When we finally found him, he was upset that he had been embarassed when the secretary called the chess club looking for him. Welcome to pre-adolescence. Or, as my mother calls it, "positively pre-pubescent". Whatever you call it, it appears to come with intense emotions that go up or down on a whim. Now, anyone who knows me will know that he comes by this trait honestly and I can't even blame it on adolescence. I just thought that having boys would give me a little bit of protection from these emotionally charged years. No such luck. No matter. I love my boys...every bit of them...no matter how emotional they are...how rambunctious they are...or how selectively they listen :)

Giving Blood

I gave blood today for the first time at a blood drive at the hospital. It feels good to help people. The needle stick was awful but the rest of it wasn't bad. And when I was done they gave me sloppy joes, fresh fruit, cookies, and a t-shirt! The shirt is an XL, the only size they had, so it's really only good for pjs. It's a cute shirt though.
Tonight is the early childhood open house. I can't decide whether to go casual or business casual. I'm representing the class/school as a current parent to prospective parents so I'm thinking business casual.
All my Park Boys are off getting their hair cut. I need to have mine cut, but I don't know when to put it in my schedule just yet. Oh, well. It's just hair after all.
You know, it's funny. I always wait anxiously for the mail just in case there's something good even though usually it's just bills and junk mail. Christmas card season is over. That was good mail. Cool cards and some pictures. The boys loved to help put them up on the closet door where I always display all the cards. Well, I best get a move on if I'm going to be ready when they get home.

I'm Back!

I know it's been a while since I posted anything, but I'm back and hopefully can stay up to date now. It was just earlier today I read something cool. Cool enough for me to write down at work and talk about now, and already I honestly can't remember where I read it. Anyway, it said, "The most valuable time is your own." It really touched base with me. As anyone reading this probably knows my needs generally fall pretty low on the list of priorities. My wants? Ha ha. Now, of course that's not always true. It's not like I never take time for myself or do things I want. Just probably less than I should. So tonight, after I got off work I found out that Sean was asleep at his mom's and that she had taken both boys fishing. Instead of cleaning the house or zoning out in front of the TV I spent some time nourishing myself. I listened to good music of all sorts. I wrote two letters. I knitted the first half of Lorelai's hat. I flipped through a catalog. And now I'm writing on my blog. Quite an evening for me. Oh, and I tried to comfort Joseph who is feeling sickly. And I discused puberty with Eric. Somewhere in there I did start some laundry, but that's a miniscule portion of the housework I could have done. It's almost time to get ready for bed now. We were incredibly busy at work today and I don't expect it to be different tomorrow. I am glad to be back at work though, and as busy as it was I didn't get too stressed.
I also read a little bit of my Respiratory magazine. Two quotes I pulled out of there:
"Too often, the enemy of our best is not our worst but our "good enough"."
and "Whether you like it or not, you're a role model to someone."

I often worry that I'm not a good enough mother. (What mother doesn't?) I find that I need to remember that as long as I'm doing my best, that's all I can do. Now, that doesn't mean that I don't continue to strive to make my best better, but if it's truly my best than what more can I ask for? Being a role model for my children includes teaching them that it's okay to be human and how to deal with our own shortcomings. Of course, I am still learning...but they say you learn things best when you teach them to other people. So, I'm going to remember I'm human, do my best, and remember one of my favorite quotes (are you getting the feeling I like quotes?:)
"Worry not that your children don't listen to what you say, worry that they watch everything you do." I don't remember who said it right now, and it's probably paraphrased since I don't have it in front of me. Well, I'm signing off for now. Good night. Time to sleep, another good way to take care of yourself. :)